Chapter 22
4:20 AM
Arnav stared at the door to their Apartment. The very door through which his Khush had walked out a mere minute ago. His hand sat limply beside him, the fingers gently caressing Percy’s head as he whined, probably sympathizing with his Master. Pitying him. Heck, Arnav pitied himself. He had only for the first time enjoyed something so unbelievably fulfilling- and he’d been given only ten minutes before it was snatched back. And now, it dangled in front of his dismayed eyes. Teasing him. Taunting him. He closed his eyes. Rubbing his fingers over the closed lids as tears threatened to burst. He wanted to wail. To howl. But he couldn’t even do that, could he? Because he had always broken down in her arms. It had always been her. His Home. His. Where would he go now? He leaned back, his eyes still closed. “Khushi Kumari Gupta.” He whispered. His voice broken. A hoarse whisper.
He trudged back home, his eyes tracing the worn road beneath his feet as his mind whirled. On one hand, he had the comfort and the knowledge of being a Head Waiter for long enough. A Safe job. A safe place. And they had money, didn’t they? Khushi was even treating him to Sugar Free jalebis more frequently now- the Sweetener did cost them a fortune- but she was, so that meant they were more than making do. But on the other hand- this new offer... it was from one of the most popular hotels in Delhi. A new Job meant new friends, higher salary, and also a better position. A Trainee Assistant Manager was way better than a Head Waiter wasn’t it?
He pursed his lips. He couldn’t, for the life of him, decide what to do. What if this was a bad move? What if he left this job and then he got into something worse? What if the Rotund Man who had offered him a place at this place turned out to be a fraud? But what if he wasn’t? A small part of his mind whispered. What if he refused and then he went on to regret it? What if Khushi went on to regret his decision? His head bowed lower as he trudged up the stairs of the chawl and pushed the door open.
“SURPRISE!” someone very small and with a very high pitched voice threw themselves at him as he stood shocked. Khushi looked up from her position in his arms and smiled widely at him. Her hazel eyes twinkling merrily as he looked around the room stunned. There were colored paper streamers hanging from the walls, some of them twisted to form the words “CONGRATULATIONS!” on the far wall just above their makeshift kitchen. And just below it, sat a whopping pile of steaming Jalebis and a container with Malai Ladoos. He looked down at her, his eyebrows going up even as he saw her smile falter.
“What is all this about Khushi?” he asked, his voice incredulous and a little bit surprised. She smiled again and grabbed his hand, hauling him inside. Pushing the doors closed behind them. She pushed him to the lone chair standing beside the beaten up desk that Khushi had salvaged from somewhere off the Lakshminagar streets and worked on for at least 15 days making it usable. He settled down still looking at her for an explanation as she flitted excitedly around the room before bringing him his treat.
She indicated him to eat with her eyes as she stood in front of him, eagerly awaiting his opinion. He smiled and took a bite. It was... Perfect. But sweets made by Khushi always were.
His smiled widened and he nodded as he gulped the hot jalebi down. “I saw you with the Bade Sahib today, Arnav.” she said smiling. And his smile faltered. He kept the half eaten Jalebi down and his shoulders slumped. His eyes closed. The exhaustion and the tension crashing on him again. She had made him forget them for a moment. Now what was he supposed to tell her? But apparently, she didn’t need to be told.
She had come forward, kneeling down in front of him, peering at his face as she cupped it in her small hands. “Arnav?” He looked at her and her eyes widened as he saw understanding dawn in them. And then she sighed. Igniting a spark of Amusement in him as he looked up again. She had stood up. Her hands on her hips as she scrutinized him, almost... critically. She shook her head, and sighed again, her dramatics making his lips hitch upward. “Oh, Arnav. Arnav. Arnav. Arnav.” She sighed again, and this time he smiled. “Khushi, really now...” he started, but she interrupted him. The seriousness that flashed in her eyes disarming him.
“I trust you Arnav.” she said. And He stopped. Stunned, yet again. How did she do that? She came forward then. “Take the opportunity, Arnav.” she said, her eyes earnest, her voice sincere. “Climb that ladder he’s giving you. I’ll never ever regret any decision of yours. I promise.” And then she had smiled. That dazzling full-toothed one of hers. “Besides, I’ll be able to make more Malai ladoos for you then.” and he had smiled back. His smile growing slowly as the weight on his heart subsided and then vanished completely. She had done it for him. Again. Helping him to see what he wanted to make of his life... their life. Wiping the color of indecision and Fear away. And he had decided there, in that 17 year old heart of his, that no matter what happened- if Khushi and him were together... they never would have to regret their decisions.
He sat up, as he remembered that day. That small girl of 13 had given him a push in the right direction, always stood by him no matter what and he’d taken the risk. The risk, the decision that she had made for him that day was what had turned their life around. That decision of hers... theirs was what had made Raizada Royale possible today. He rubbed the moisture out of his eyes as he got up and paced the Apartment. Her small voice from all those years ago still echoing in his mind. Take the Opportunity, Arnav.
Would she listen to him, now? Would she trust him- if he prodded her to take the risk now? He turned around abruptly, propelling a startled Percy to squeak in indignation as he collided into his legs and fell back on his hind. There was a lot more resting on her decision than there had been at that time. But that had been the most pressing and important matter at the time- now it was this. Could he? Should He?
He sat down again. His head buried in his hands. Would she be willing to take that risk? His eyes falling closed yet again. What was he to do, now?
He came home exhausted. His first week and he was completely wiped out. Sure, he had a better pay here- but that also meant much more work. Night Shifts. He especially hated that. He rubbed his eyes as he shrugged out of the Jacket with the Initials of the Royal Palace embossed on it. Scruffy, irritating thing. He felt like a joker wearing it. He grunted irritated as he pushed the door open quietly. Khushi would be sleeping. She had school tomorrow. He sighed. At least Khushi was happy that he was working at a higher position now. A better Hotel. Maybe she should stop that Assistant Pastry chef thing now? He would have to talk about it with her.
“Arnav?” her sleepy voice stopped him in his tracks and he turned. She was sitting at the desk writing something from the looks of her as she rubbed a very red eye and peered at him. “Chai peeoge? (Will you have Tea?) she asked him as she got up and stretched her back. He nodded dumbly as he pulled off the ridiculous bow-tie from around his neck and looked at her again. “Khush, why are you up so late?” he asked her even as she boiled water and jumped nimbly to get her hands on the Tea jar kept high above on the shelves. She looked back at him and shrugged. “I was studying for the test tomorrow... didn’t get much time to study this week na...”, she mumbled even as she put the tea on simmer and looked around for their tea cups. And he was struck with just how much she was doing. For him. For them. He sighed as he sat down against a wall, watching her as she poured the tea out, adding sugar to one cup and stirring it. He had to do it now. He would just have to convince her. He decided, he would. She couldn’t keep working at this age! She was only in her eighth grade for heavens’ sake! He would just have to throw that ‘Trust Me’ card at her. He sighed. Except he was never good at blackmailing Khush, she always saw right through it.
He looked up as she set the cup down in front of him and sat across from him, rubbing her eyes tiredly as she sipped from her cup. “What happened, Arnav? Did something happen at work?” she asked him, and he could feel the worry in her voice. He sighed again, gulping down the scalding hot tea and straightening up as he felt rejuvenated. Strength and voice returning, he looked at her. She fidgeted under his haze and he moved forward. His hand covering her small one as she looked up at him, fear and worry clearly etched on her face now. “Arnav what happened?” she asked him again and he shook his head.
“Khushi, I can’t let you work anymore.” he said and he could visibly see her bristle in indignation. “Arnav we have had this conversation before and you agreed-” she started, but he cut her off. “That was then Khush. This is now. I can’t let it affect your studies.” he was firm. And this time no amount of pleading, cajoling or crying was going to sway him. Not this time.
“Arnav...”
“Khushi we have enough money right now to see you through this year at least. And my salary is enough to pay for both of our fees and still keep us afloat. You can work in the vacations if you want to but I am not going to let you work yourself sick the whole day and study late into the night like this.” he waved his hand around and his eyes hardened. Blazing. Unyielding. She looked away and snatched her hand out of his. He closed his eyes. Fine. He hadn’t wanted to do this... but she left him no choice.
He slumped down in his place. His shoulders hunching, his head bowing down and he sighed, loudly. He felt her gaze at him worriedly and restrained a small smirk. It was working. “That’s it then. You don’t trust me enough, do you? All that talk about you trusting me to do the right thing... it was just that- talk, wasn’t it?” he rubbed his hands in his hair and sighing looked up at the ceiling. If there was one thing in this world that Khushi couldn’t accept, ever- that was a defeated Arnav. And he would use just that to convince her. He needed to.
And just like he knew she would, she scrambled to him, her arms going around him as she hugged him. “No Arnav! Of Course I trust you! It was the Truth!” she exclaimed and he shook his head as he buried it into the crook of her neck, her tiny form cradled to his chest. He felt her take a deep breath- heard her voice tremble as she spoke then. “Fine. If that’s what you want. I’ll quit, Arnav. I just... I didn’t want to be a burden on you. I wanted to do my bit. You know?” She whispered in a small voice, her arms tightening around him and he felt guilt bubble up inside him. But he pushed it down. He was doing this for her, he would wallow in the guilt for blackmailing her a little while later.
“You will?” he asked her, a small smile forming on his face and she pulled back. “I will.” she said. And his smile widened as her eyes narrowed. “You did that on purpose didn’t you?” she asked him and he sighed. Yep. She saw right through it. Always Did. But this time it was not a joke. He was not going to relent.
“You promised Khush. Please. Listen to me this time. Please.” he said, his hands cupping her face now. “You are already doing your bit, Khush! You are worrying me sick by the amount you’re doing! Please, Khush. For me.” He said and she sighed in defeat. Nodding her head, she slumped against his chest and he smiled into her hair. That was one less thing to worry about now. His smile froze though when she looked up. “BUT! I’m going to work in the vacations and it is FINAL! Okay?” she warned him and he shrugged noncommittally. She arched an eyebrow and folded her arms in front of her. He looked back at her for a few minutes and then sighed. “Fine.” he grumbled and she smiled. And then hugged him. “Deal?” she asked him, her voice muffled against his chest and he closed his eyes, hugging her to himself. “Deal.” he said back. And smiled as he felt her smile. Everything was good. He had convinced her.
He looked up again, a small smile blossoming on his face as he remembered how he had convinced her. He could convince her. But should he? He frowned. Take the Opportunity, Arnav. He shook his head. He should and He would. Getting up he rubbed Percy’s neck slightly before stalking over to grab his keys. He was not going to let this opportunity go. Khushi Kumari Gupta would just have to bow down and take a risk this time.
Because this time, he was not relenting. And as his smile widened, hope bubbling in his heart as he stepped out of the house and stepped into the elevator, Arnav Singh Raizada felt the same feeling of Happiness and contentment from this morning returning to him. And this time around, he would keep it with him. Keep her with him. Because now that he thought about it, she had always been his. And He, hers.
Arnav Singh Raizada wasn’t a man who wallowed for more time than necessary and once he found a course of action... well, he wasn’t a man to waste time. They would talk. They would work it out. Khushi had to understand something - This thing she had with Singhaniya? Arnav refused to acknowledge it as a romance. Obviously there couldn’t be a romance when he had possessed her so completely. His. She had been, was and only his for as long as they could remember. That’s the way it was supposed to be. That she was not - to think that she wouldn’t be... it terrified him. There was always that thought that maybe she wouldn’t want to be. Didn’t need him any longer. Arnav hadn’t thought about them willfully. He, the man who always has escape clauses planned out - hadn’t, this time. Because he was all in, as they said in poker. He was all in. There was nothing left if she turned him down. Arnav got into his SUV, and pulled it out of the driveway. It was easily an hour drive in this midday traffic, if he was to go to the office. Might as well go now. He could use the time, he thought, turning on the iPod linked to the car. There was so much to work on. To hone out. Might as well work on it now. He slid on his sunglasses, all the while thinking, what if she didn’t.... The next song clicked on; Pearl Jam, he thought. Perfect, really.
Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me as her body once did.
All five horizons revolved around her soul as the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn
Ooh, and all I taught her was everything
Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds of what was everything.
Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
Last night... he closed his eyes for a second, it had been more than he could ever hope for. She had been his. In every way than one. He had been her first. Her only. What did that mean? Arnav knew that he had been her first. It had been a very long time since he had fumbled in the back of some old truck with a bonny young scottish lass, but he remembered what first time was like. What had that meant? Her first. He drew in a deep breath. He knew that he was an asshole. That her first time or fiftieth, her time with him should be special - as it should be with any other woman but, Arnav swallowed again, a reluctant grin breaking through - her first time.. with him. His. He didn’t know what had happened last night. From where the change in him had come, but he was thrilled. He understood the double-standard of it. The wrongness of it. That she was free to share her body with whoever she wanted to. As were all women. That’s what political correctness told him. Yet, he swallowed... smiled. Khushi wasn’t all women. She was his. And... he smiled, he was hers.
I take a walk outside, I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, I'm spinning, oh,
I'm spinning, how quick the sun can drop away
And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...
All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be... yeah...
But then, he took a sharp turn left. Stuck in the traffic again, as less happy thoughts encroached his new found happiness. What if she didn’t want him? God knows Arnav was no prize. That Khushi had put up with him as long as she had... He sighed, as the kid in the next car made faces. To be that young again. Less complications. Or not, he winced. As the little girl next to him randomly bit into the boy’s arm and then spontaneously burst into tears. No prize guessing who’s going to get screamed at again. Poor kid. Life’s first lesson, he thought silently. Women always win. They are sneaky that way. He turned away, shaking his head - thoughts back to the darker lane. What if Khushi didn’t want this... whatever this was, between them. What if she considered it a one-off, the way she had this morning and kept returning back to NK Singhaniya? The bastard was, in his own greasy way, a good looking idiot. Plus, Arnav sighed, pulling out of the signal, as the light turned green, he had something else going for him - He wasn’t Arnav Singh Raizada or, Arnav Malek, in any incarnation. He didn’t have the darkness that seemed to bubble out from inside Arnav at the strangest moments. As it had, he remembered, the night months ago, she had told him that she had loved him. He had run, instead of confronting it. Scared what would happen if he let it all out. NK Singhaniya now, he was a happy, shallow creature. Well, he thought, harrassedly, not shallow, per se. Just... not like him. He was capable of bringing joy to her. Making Khushi laugh. Teem with laughter. Joy. Didn’t Khushi deserve that happiness? Who was Arnav to stand in her way if that was what she had wanted? But, he sighed, as he saw more traffic, he was the one she had wanted initially. Loved. Last night wasn’t a one off. It didn’t feel like a one off. It was absolution. Joy. Love. It was the melding of souls. How could she not want it? How could he let her keep running away from it?
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,
But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?
Did she really want him? Arnav thought abruptly. Did she really want NK Singhaniya? What would Arnav do then? He sped the SUV up, seeing an almost empty stretch of road ahead. What would Arnav do if she came up to him to ask him to forget everything. To let her live and have her happily ever after with Singhaniya? From subtle looking around, Arnav had found out that Singhaniya in his own way was a... decent man. He had his own charity. A low keyed affair named after his late elder brother for troubled kids. He wasn't known for playing around. What affairs he had, had always been clean. He was a good friend and, to his surprise, a shrewd businessman. That fool? Arnav had thought, surprised. Then, he had shrugged. There was so much that he didn’t know. Who was he to pass such judgement? So... he had thought again. What if Khushi came to him, wanting to be with this paragon of virtue? What would he do then? Would he have it in him to deny her that? Because, Arnav knew that she would stay if he asked her to. She was fatally loyal that way. The question still remained though - What would he do? Arnav looked straight, almost blindly as he drove - remembering the time he had almost lost her. Almost. It had been so close. He was so incredibly terrified. Even now thinking about it broke him out in cold sweat. Could he go through it all over again? In many ways... It would be so much more permanent this time.
“Typhoid.” He shrunk back from the Doctor. His eyes wide, unseeing- tears blurring the corners as his hands shook, as his whole body trembled. His knees almost buckled and he would have collapsed but for the Hands that caught and steadied him. He gulped a lump in his throat down, his heartbeats slowing down as his palms became sweaty.
“Ty-typhoid?” He whispered. “Wha-what do you mean... what do you mean Typhoid?” He almost lunged at the Doctor, pulled back at the last moment by the same hands that had supported him. He slumped down then, looking into the small ward where his Khushi was sleeping... was unconscious. Damn it. Damn it! He should have figured out something was terribly wrong when she had those frequent and repetitive fevers going on around ten days back. She hadn’t listened to him. She hadn’t rested and he had shrugged it off as a passing thing. Why? Why had he done that?
He looked back at the Doctor. “She’ll... she’ll be fine, won’t she?” he asked- almost pleaded with the straight-faced man. “She just needs lots of rest and someone to take care of her. She’ll be perfectly fine after...”
His words died in his throat as the Doctor took his glasses off. “We can’t be very sure, young man. It’s completely up to her. Her body has to fight against it. All we can do is administer the best of medications...”
“I’ll- I’ll pay... Anything. Anything Doctor. But Please, she has to... she can’t...” A sob erupted from his chest as he finally collapsed. The nightmare was only going to get worse. The panic, the fear that had set inside his very veins when she had started thrashing around on the bed Last night, murmuring his name, yelling out for him- screaming, scratching- barely opening her eyes but telling him to hold on- to not die, over and over again. Their sobs had intermingled after another fifteen minutes of that episode. He, begging her to calm down, telling her he was there- alive. And she, Telling him to come back- to not leave her alone, telling him that she would die. A shudder coursed through him. She had told him she would die. He buried his face in his hands. No, Please. No. Not Khushi. Not Khushi too!
He had looked up, when he had felt a man settle down on the floor beside him. The hands pulling his away from his tear-streaked, frightened face. “She’ll not die, Raizada. She’s a tough cookie, that one.” Malhotra Sir had said, and Arnav had clung to him. Burying his head in the man’s chest- sobbing like he never had before. “She can’t Sir... Please Sir. I’ll... I’ll do-”
“You don’t have to do anything, Arnav.” The man had said and the pure steel he heard in that voice acted like a drift-board for him in the endless sea. “You’ll only take care of her. We both will. You.... We have to focus on her, Arnav.” The use of his first name by his Boss, the strength in his voice- it had acted as a propeller to Arnav. He would focus on her. He would make sure she recovered. She would have to. She would be up and about making Sweets and pulling pranks and making faces in no time. He would make her.
He looked inside again. She had turned to her side- facing him, mumbling something as her hands reached out towards him- her eyes still closed, but her forehead shining with perspiration. He dashed to her. His hands grasping hers, even as he felt the Doctor and Malhotra come in behind him- looking down at her worriedly. But he had eyes for no one else. His big hand squeezed both of her pale, frail ones as he wiped the sweat from her brow.
“Khushi, Baby.” he whispered to her, his heart slowing down as she turned her head toward him. She could feel him! He squeezed her hands a bit more, his other hand smoothing over her head, cupping her cheek, rubbing her chin. Frantically. “Khushi? Khush, Sweetheart? Open your eyes, Baby. Look at me, Baby please.” He gulped down the tears that seemed to have lodged themselves in his throat. No, she wouldn’t see him crying. He would have to be cheerful. Khushi would have to see him smiling- there.
Her eyes fluttered and his movements hastened. His hand patting her cheek lightly, feeling her forehead, cupping her chin, tilting her head up- the other hand still holding on to hers for dear life.
“Ar-Arnav...?” she had whispered- croaked. And a smile had broken on to his face. Tears streaming down unabashed, as he sobbed in gratitude. “Ye-yes Khush. It’s me. It’s Arnav, Baby. Please. Look at me Sweetheart. Please.” he had sobbed, choked- still holding onto her, as if he was physically holding her away from... He gulped. No, Khushi was going to live.
She had opened her eyes, then. Glazed Hazel orbs peering through those big doe-eyes. A small smile had broken on her face as she had found his face. “Arnav.” she had sighed- and he had kissed her on the forehead, cheeks, head, hands, nose. All over. Sobbing.
“Yes, Khushi. I’m here. Don’t go away, Baby. Look at me. Keep looking at me Baby.” He had pleaded and she had smiled again. Confused. But reassuring as only she could be- even at the doors of... he shook his head. No. Not Death. Anything but Death.
“I’m not going away, Arnav.” she had whispered, her voice feeble yet strong. “I’m staying with you.” the decisiveness, the stubbornness that rang through that one simple line lifted his hopes. He kissed her hands again. Frantically. Thankfully.
“Yes,” he smiled through the tears, her hand coming up to brush one away as she frowned and he held it against his cheek. “You’re not going anywhere. You’re staying with me.”
He smiled. Didn’t that just clinch it? She had stayed. She had not broken her promise. That episode- that nightmarish breakdown of his had been followed up by weeks upon weeks of hot soup, sponge baths, late nights, distractions - in the form of gossips, of stories (who knew entertaining a 16 years old girl was such a hard job? Well, Arnav hadn’t until then and he had considered himself an old hand at raising kids at the ripe old age of 20) and a lot of panic. But she had held on. Resolutely. For him. The pain that she had gone through- those screams- he shuddered, he could still hear them in his head. She had gone through so much pain! But she had held on- stubbornly. Bravely. and they had emerged out of it together. Triumphant. Safe. Together. Always Together. And if that episode had taught Arnav anything - it was that he needed her. Far more than she would ever need him. Self-sacrificing be damned, she was staying. He wouldn’t survive really, otherwise.
Yes, he decided. She would have to stay. With Him. Because he could live with the guilt of coming in the way of her happiness- but that guilt could be assuaged by keeping her happy his whole life. Toiling for it. He would. He had experience of keeping her happy, didn’t he?
Yes, he could live with the guilt. That guilt though, couldn’t hold a candle to the loss of her - the loss of self. He couldn’t live without her. He wouldn’t survive. As simple as that. So, no. There was no option for her. She would just have to stay back. With him. Forever. She’d just have to be persuaded - kicking and screaming, if need be.
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